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Hello again everybody. This one’s called: I Stand Politically Corrected. It dawned on me the other day, as I was watching one of my all time favorite movies: Blazing Saddles, they could never make a movie like this nowadays. I think the reason for this is that people are idiots. They can’t laugh at themselves anymore. Now as I explain this, take into account our (we at Chicken-Head) subversive style of humor. Understand that we do hate you all, but that your ethnicity, religion, or sex has nothing to do with it. We are misanthropes who have a certain disdain for most human life in general, and some demi-human and humanoid life as well (refer to Advanced Dungeons and Dragons 1^st edition Players Handbook Pages 14-18 for racial descriptions, abilities, and level limits). Anyway, all people are the same. Sure there are different cultural practices and different skin colors, but traditions and appearance are hardly enough to justify an elitist attitude fostered by some, even some that I have encountered. So knowing this and being that you have read or are reading our “fine” product, know this also, we make fun of everything so get a helmet if you find us too abrasive. For those of you who know us (Paul and myself), or have been subjected to our antics, you fully understand that we don’t give a fuck about offending anybody about anything. Holocaust humor, racial humor, religious, and sexually oriented humor are all part of our steady diet. So, if you get offended by what we say or write…well, I’m personally offended that you are breathing from the precious little supply of air we have left on this planet. Oh yes, it is running out. This is partly because of my big Jewish nose taking in more than my adequate share, and also due to Smokey The Bear’s recent coming out and moving to San Francisco (the city by the gay). He’ll still be stopping, dropping, and rolling, as his friend Dick Van Dyke (a strangely appropriate San Franciscan name) taught him to, but the type of flaming fire that he’s raging about now cannot be put out with a shovel. And with no one to guard the forest, many trees will die. On the positive side though, many tree-sitting hippies will be burned up and consumed by the flames as well. If that offended you, then put down this zine right now, because I plan to offend as many “groups” as I can in this article. I have been in confrontations with so many different types of people claiming to be of such and such race or whatever. That’s bullshit! There is no pure race! Everyone fucked and still fucks (I’m hoping physically and not politically) everybody, end of story. Biology is stronger, and always has been, then so called belief. We are all mutts. I know I am. I’m loyal, and my nose is even wet. I once had a confrontation at a show with a Nazi “Skinhead.” I immediately told him I was a Jew, and asked him if he wanted in at the ground floor level on our international banking conspiracy. He was not amused, and I was drunk, but as most of you who know me (my friends and those of you at Kaiser Hospital in this case) know, when I start rolling I roll. As Blutarsky said in Animal House, “Did we give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” Anyway, if it weren’t for my friends, I probably would have received yet another beating, because I kept going on. I asked the guy what he would do if Salma Hayek and Naomi Campbell wanted to have a threesome with him. He said, “I wouldn’t offend my ancestors by laying with subhuman females.” To this I declared, “that’s cool man, I can respect your opinion. So, have you come out to your family yet?” I then went on telling him how his Levis were invented by a Jew, and other interesting facts like that, until my friends dragged me away. They were all laughing, ‘cause I clowned that guy. I remember saying, “that guy is a moron. He’s probably thinking about whether he’ll eat Chinese or Mexican for dinner right now, and I hope he means the food.” Recently, My neighbor, who is an asshole, confronted me. Now I have been in many violent situations in my life, and I was able to suss out rather quickly that this would not be one of them. My neighbor is a pussy. He has lived in the triplex for 20 years, and because of this, he thinks that this gives him entitlement with regards to parking, trashcan placement, and everything else. When he got in my face, I realized that he was trying to get me to punch him so that his girlfriend, who was standing in the shadows with her cell phone, could call the police and have me arrested. I stood there ready to return a punch, if one was thrown, but as I said, it was not to be. He’s a pussy. His words however did bother me, because I have never gone through such insult without returning violence upon the offender. Then again, I could see his plan of having me arrested because I wasn’t drunk, which is uncommon, because in most cases concerning violent encounters and myself I have been. That’s not to say it didn’t affect me. I snapped at a lot of my friends for nonsense, and at the last bike ride, I threw a 2-minute fit of rage over nothing. So, this asshole did cause me grief on some level. I am the type of person that needs to deal with my demons (Advanced Dungeons and Dragons 1^st edition Monster Manual Pages 16-20) as they are summoned, and not (beer) bottle them up like a djinni (Advanced Dungeons and Dragons 1^st edition Monster Manual Monster Manual Page 28-29) or an efreeti (Advanced Dungeons and Dragons 1^st edition Monster Manual Page 37). The things that he said that really pissed me off the most were that he resorted to racist remarks. He called me a filthy Armenian. I told him that if he was going to be a racist piece of shit, then he should at least hate me for what I was. I told him that I was A Jew, and he insisted that, no I wasn’t, I was a filthy Armenian. I looked at him and told him that he was a stupid, racist piece of shit. I then told him, “Who would claim to be a Jew who was not a Jew. After all, history has shown that the world has not always been nice to the Jews, and I’m sure there were many times in history where Jews would have preferred to be mistaken as Armenians or any other ethnicity of people for that matter. Anyway, I hate racists, and this is one of many times I’ve had to deal with them. So, when you hear or read our comedic insights, be sure to understand that that is all they are, jokes. Sacred cows make the best hamburgers, and real racists are devoid of humor. Also, a sense of humor is the affirmation of the presence of a soul. Laughter is the best display of joy. And on that note, I would like to tell you about a conversation I had with a few of my friends that degenerated into a full blown Mel Brooks style idea for politically incorrect restaurants. I once told Joel Luna that I was going to The Outback Steakhouse with my family for my birthday. He replied, “have fun at the Wetback Steakhouse.” To this I laughed, and kept going on saying, yeah they have a whole Rio Grande theme going on there and we have to meet there an hour before we eat so the coyote can sneak us in.” Also, things were discussed such as how they would only hire illegals, and so forth. Then, the ideas kept coming. I hit my own culture by coming up with a T.G.I. Friday’s spinofff. It would be a German restaurant with an Auschwitz style motif. This would be complete with cattle car styled booths, red lights and sirens going off, and everyone issued a number when entering: for the “drawing,” of course. The name I came up with for this place, T.G.I. Arbeit Macht Freiday’s. The final ideal I had was to take a new spin on an old restaurant’s name. I though that the restaurant Soup Plantation would benefit of having a pre civil war motif, where plantation slaves sang spirituals and served food quickly and efficiently to avoid repeated whippings from the slave master. The food service would prove tricky for the staff, as Soup Plantation is a buffet, and most of its patrons have more chins than a Chinese phonebook. Anyway you can see that with ideas like these going through our heads, there’s something strange afoot at the Circle K. Until, next time, oh, I’ve just been informed that the Reverend Jesse Jackson is on the phone and would like to have a few words with me, although, I’m not sure I’ll understand what he’s saying, and I don’t think he’ll understand me either. I don’t think he speaks Armenian- Instabili B

Grizzly Joe here with another edition of "Drunk in Public in the Pacific Northwest". YEP!! Good 'ole "Smack City". The skies are ugly and the girls are gray. Speaking of women, I'm sure we're all glad the media is keeping us so informed on the Paris Hilton incarceration, as if 3 and a half months of Anna Nicole drama wasn't enough to numb our minds. Now we've got "Paris Watch 2007" on T.V. Who fucking cares? Who really needs an hourly update? C'mon people, we're talking about a girl who sits in a cell sleeping and crying, OH, and maybe a little masturbating----> We don't need to know she don't eat, WE ALREADY KNOW THAT, (I would like to hear

about the masturbating part though.......). We don't need to know what the broads doing, oh, and how many of us had to see a doctor for a rash? Are we really

as stupid and naive as the media thinks we are?? WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOU LIVE BREAKING NEWS OUT OF SHERMAN OAKS, CALIFORNIA........ Britney Spears has shaved her head and apparently is seeking a tattoo......You have got to be kidding me, Isn't there a WAR going on somewhere? NOW, Grizzly Joe here ain't really into the whole dyke thing, but I think Britney looks better bald and I know some of

you sick fucks agree,,,hell, all she needs now is a black eye and I'd put her poster up. Shit, I might even have to stalk her a bit. Britney with a black eye and a bald head would be my dream girl. A real

"goodtime gal"--the kinda chick who enjoys a good old fashioned donkey punch. WHOOPS!!! JUST KIDDING

ladies, I wouldn't want you girls to get the wrong idea about me. Grizzly Joe knows how to treat the ladies. Hell, if you don't believe me, you can ask any of my ex's, although you might have trouble finding one that’s still alive. OK, I'll admit my rep has been on the line lately, ever since I took that girl out to "Joshua Tree" and left her there. I remember someone told me once, when you meet someone you like, you gotta put them to the test , well, I figured if she could make it out of there, she was a keeper. And who knows, she still might. Anyways, I'm human and I learn from my mistakes.....Mojave is a lot closer..its also not a bad idea to leave them with a little water...Alright, enough about all these damsels in distress. I'm gonna finish off by letting you all know that Grizzly Joe will be pouring beer and the annual "PORTLAND INTERNATIONAL BEER FEST" Downtown in the north park blocks July 13, 14, & 15th. Those who attend will get to drink some of the best beers in the World. Like Great Divides "oak aged yeti". Great Divide is out of Colorado. The yeti is an imperial stout with a A.B.V. (alcohol by volume) of 9.5%. Big Sky Brewery out of Montana will be showcasing their "Ivan the terrible", a delicious bourbon imperial stout with an a.b.v. of 8.3. Oregons Ninkasi Brewery will be there with their "Believer Ale" and their "Double IPA. These beers and about a hundred others from Belgium, Germany, France, and England will be represented. SO, if you Cali drunks think you can hang, get your ass up here and stop by the Pilsner Urquell beer stand and say, "WHAUZZZUPPP" to Grizzly Joe. Portland’s Beerfest is a benefit for "Pet Cross", so all our furry friends can get some love too. So until next time, this is Grizzly Joe saying "DRINK 'EM UP!!"

Greetings chickenheadians, put down your crack pipes and pay attention ....This ones called "LA Weakly",

or "Who the Fuck are you trying to impress, & Who could care less"=>

BUMS,,,,, Me and some friends went down to see the VARUKERS in Hollywood the other weekend. We all had the required anti- social gear and haircuts to attend the show......SOANYFUCKINGWAYS......We all decided to take the orange line from the West Valley to North Hollywood, then get on the subway

(redline). Public transpo in LA is getting better, and at $1.25 per way, its a pretty good deal,,,SO We get on and immediately some smelly bum walks by us slowly and attempts to make small talk. I generally don't like people, especially some old bum dressed

in a dirty camo jacket with a purple heart pinned to it. I just want to sit in my seat, relax and get off, IS THAT ASKING TOO MUCH?.........SIDE NOTE

> HERE===>>>> All these Republicrats running around saying, "I don't support the war, but I support the

troops". What the fuck does that EVEN MEAN? YOU support the troops how...? HOW??? This fucking war has been going on for almost 4 years, meaning anyone who signed up in the last 4 years, supports the war...catch my drift....??? Ok, Ok, Ok,,,, here's THE REST OF THE STORY......The fucking guy is

already irritating me-----I know what his story is...(but I don't want to fucking hear it....he begs for enough money to get a day pass on the subway, and spends all day annoying people that don't give two shits about him. They smile and give him money and act like they care, because they are afraid of

confrontation.......As he looks at me I instantly turn and look out the window in a hope to avoid his Bullshit. I start cleaning under my nails with my

switchblade....He gets the message and sits behind us and starts a conversation with a fellow colleague for B.U.M.S. "Olde English" LOCAL 800. He turns to his new buddy and says "What’s happening with the world today", and "It looks like star trek on this train". Generally I don't care what people say about me, because they are not important enough to me to even acknowledge. I know this schlubs game, probably got thrown out of the military for being a drunk bastard.... But like I said, don't really care enough or I would have left him on the train yelling for his mother as he bled to death......(ahem).......SO he starts talking to this other bum about how he's on the way to conduct an

orchestra, and how he has to get to the airport, is going to get on his private jet..---etc etc etc blurp, blurp, blurp (clockwork orange). The sad thing about this is that this seems to be a trend

about the few bums I have been acquainted with. ---I mean, shit man, even when we exited the train to go

to the show--ANOTHER BUM on Hollywood/ Highland was sitting there with a "jokes for $1" sign, AHH

"another businessman". Anyway I figured what the hell, I gave him a buck and said, "ok, entertain me"*****___SO HE SAYS...."Why aren't there any Wal-marts in Iraq?"--I tell him I don't know...HE SAYS,"Cuz everything's a Target"=========oh yeah,

baby, oh yeah==========> A BUM WE ALL MIGHT KNOW---

(the incense bum)...this bum I’ve known for many years who comes around and sells incense behind the pub and cobalt cafe. He seemed like a cool head to

me. Don't ask "the man with no name" (see last issue), because I know he kicked this bums ass outside of the "casa de tacos" on Topanga/Sherman Way for talking shit......... haha......but I digress, so I hadn't seen this bum for a few

months.........I went to this "upper scale" New Years ROCKIN eve party (the people whose house it was realized a bit too late that they probably shouldn't

have invited me, ((because 12 beer shotgun mike is WAY more fun than 1 beer shotgun mike)) but that's ANOTHER STORY)........SO I see this bum walk in, looking like he spent the day at Ross Dress 4 Less-----, and I say "hey whets up man?"---But he acts like he doesn't know me... OK??? Like I said, whatever dude.... So he immediately goes for the Hennesy.......has quite a few drinks and a few hours later I hit him up again and say "Hey fool, where the FUCK you from..........(just kidding).....I say "Dude, don't you remember me from the Cobalt"....?? He says "oh, yeah." OHHHH YEAAAAHH...(revelations)

multimillion dollar construction company. (yawn).Now, I know he's bullshitting, and he knows he's

bullshitting, but the one I feel sorry for is this chick he is with, who now realizes she's been fucking some dirty smelly bum for the past few weeks...they left the party (arguing) shortly thereafter. (smile)=====TELEVISION!!!!!!======>Sopranos, who fucking cares, I am glad that shit is over. Speaking of over, OVERRATED. That shit was only cool on the first season (when no one watched it). I tried to watch the second season, but it was so unrealistic. If they were actually killing all those people, the Justice Dept would have locked them all up ASA muthafuckin P. Those Mafioso's have to operate below the radar, hence, why you never hear of mafia shit in the news. But aside from all

that B.S., it was the people that I would talk to like they had up close knowledge of the "Mob...now, I claim no knowledge of any "north coasters", (only

great space coasters), but these people I would talk to would glamorize this show like it was the cats ass (that means its good).... so these people started having the lamest event of all time...Sunday night Sopranos parties, where everyone would gather round and hour or so before the show, and talk about it. Then the lemmings would all sit around the tube and watch the show, commenting...etc..... fucking weak shit. Are people that fucking lame, yes, people are..........+++======>NEXT POINT OF ORDER....Bartenders, some of my MOST favorite and LEAST favorite people. Being that I enjoy hanging around dark, dank bars, I have made some observations about

the types of bartenders I have encountered thru my tenure of being a drunken bastard. SO HERES THE LIST

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER (1). The "pissed off at the world" bartender--this one feels as if he is doing you a favor by making you a drink. Will complain and

give you a dirty look, then whine if you don't tip...weak. Usually older, maybe made a "guest appearance" on dateline nbc, DEFINITLY creepy. Usually if you threaten to kick his ass, he will still be a dick--- to everyone but YOU. (2). The

"I'm so fucking cool" bartender. These types usually are failed rockers/ d.j.'s, or persons who got the bar from their parents, but now front like they are the ones who made the investment themselves. If you aren't into their "style" of music or holding a bag of coke...STEP OFF!!! They will smile at you and then talk a load of shit behind your back. You don't have to kick their ass, they are harmless ..(3). The"drug addict". This species of bartender can usually be found at "drug bars". Usually very thin, wearing some trendy bands t-shirt or a kangol,,, ---when you walk into the place there is a hierarchy of tweekers

wearing backwards hats standing around the pool table with their gaunt stripper girlfriends. Usually holding a water to quench their "meth mouth". These

bartenders usually are usually selling more than one controlled substance behind the counter...They think they are hard, but don't be persuaded, they aint...(4) "The bitch" bartender--used to be hot, how has gained quite a few years and pounds, maybe squirted out a few rugrats and is now trapped in lower class hell. Usually has an apartment in a shitty part of town. Will cut you off for about nothing,,,DO not "Roast" this bartender the wrong way or you will find yourself drinking in the parking lot (with shotgun mike). Its not that she's mad at YOU (per se), she's mad at her "babies daddy", who knocked her up and then boned the fuck out. The only time she sees him now is when he comes in with his stripper girlfriend (also pregnant now) on accident...(5) The "jolly man", usually a big dude. Always happy and looks like a push over. Pours his drinks well, and runs the bar loosely. Usually kicks down a few freebies if you tip well. Don't piss this one off or you will find yourself rolling on the floor waiting for the ambulance while some punk lifts your wallet.... (6). The "mad man", mid 50's early 60's----usually coming off a three day speed run. Greasy hair and stains on his shirt. Fly may be open. --Fat lip from a fight with the boss earlier today. Acts like he has never heard of drugs before. You can catch him snorting lines off the top of the toilet in the shitter.... BEWARE,,,do not order ANY "specialty" drinks from this man!! Beer and shots only, possibly (insert booze) plus soda...Too old to beat down.... (7) The "Don Juan" bartender (multiracial)...This one wants to fuck

every chick that walks into the place, including your girlfriend (no it doesn't matter that she's fat). Smiles a lot and has great "one liners". Do not leave your girlfriend around him under ANY

circumstances or you will be looking like the white boy in Dave Chappelles "real world". Similar to number #3,except has a physique out of a body

building mag. Plays guitar at the after party in a secondary attempt at pussy.... Usually has an STD. (8). The "laid back rider". This is the bartender you want. Makes small talk, throws you a free brews every so often, and when you order a drink, you yell, "FUCKIN A GRANDPA!!!!" or "SON OF THE BITCH (with mid-east accent)!!!" Anyways, these guys are here to work, get tipped, go home and get drunk

themselves,,,,TIP THEM WELL! (9) The "strip bar fatty", this bartender (always female), had some stripper friends, who got her the job bartending.

Being that she is a big fat pig, she cannot strip (well, maybe in Tijuana), so she makes friends with all the girls and acts like she is "mother hen". She will tell you how she used to be thin, but got in

some sort of accident and can’t lose weight....She WILL cockblock your ass. You want her on your side so tip her VERY well and tell her she reminds you of an ex fiancé that was a model (trust me on this one). (10) Last and not least "The fill--in", doesn't know shit, pours drinks weak, want to see your ID, takes

too long to get to you (cant work the register right). Might be the bouncer (caution), who is covering for #(3).... well a little compassion might be due, This guy is UNAWARE...go to 7-11 and buy your own beers/whiskey and bring them inside, he'll never know. =====>SIDE NOTE (subspecies)===> the "bartenders girlfriend/boyfriend". BEWARE...do not make small talk or they will assume you are "hitting

on them". They will tell her "boy/girlfriend" and it will be a lame situation. Thinks they are "the shit", although they've only been going to the bar for a month. (Usually will be gone in another month)...Usually smokes, watch for bad tattoos and shit attitudes...Although on a positive note,

it is funny to watch when they break up and start to argue in front of everyone...haha... CASE IN POINT. I went up to order a drink at this "bar" (not Casey’s) and I was standing around waiting to order a Jim beam and coke (rc) and see a girl sitting there, so I say "Hi". She gave me a look like I was dressed up like darth nilus (stern). So being buzzzed, I was like "hey you have nice skin" ..Ya know, trying to let this cougar lighten up a bit. So anyways, she

looks at me and says, "MY BOYFRIEND IS THE BARTENDER".. (Like I care). So I say with a laugh,

"If I kick your boyfriends ass, will you go out with me?"...(Yes it was a joke, the only girl that would take that one seriously, had to have stepped out of

a time machine from the 1930's)... she replied with a hearty "NO!!!" NOW I am still standing there looking all dumbfounded (more than usual), (still

waiting for my drink) ,,,THEN TO MAKE MATTERS EVEN MORE LAME...she tells her boyfriend who gets all insulted. So now I have to spend the next two days explaining to him IT WAS A JOKE. Fuck man, gimmie a

break, I know he knows me better than that.... LOOK, I know new pussy clouds the mind, and leads to delusions of grandeur, but COME ON!!====Like I said, who the fuck are you trying to impress? I could care less=====>>> anyhow. Bitches. Till next time....Bite

it you Scum. (gg), and pour me a redeye!!!........Solidarity, Shotgun Mike

Love is...

... the bond that a farmer shares with the most supple of his livestock.

... the feeling you get when your 1st grade teacher bends down to tie your

shoe and you catch a glimpse of the side of one of their tits... and it's a man.

... an emotionally unavailable stripper and a flat

room temperature beer.

... throwing a telephone book at someone's head.

... when your date says "I would feel better if I threw up."

... getting a boner and punching someone at the same time

... when the popular girls make fun of you because you can't speak English.

... propositioning a migrant worker for sexual favors.

... ghost-riding an empty stroller into 45mph traffic on Sunset Blvd. LA drivers love that... especially older women.

... telling young ladies from other states that you're a producer in Hollywood and you can "make them famous." (suck suck suck)

... when a pretty girl asks me to fix her car tells me we'll go out and after I fix it for free, she vanishes until the next

time her car breaks several months later.

... giving a present to a girl and seeing some random guy using it a few days later.

... telling a young lady that you can make one phone call and her boyfriend

will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

... getting an ugly girl to fall in love with you, so you can con her into

cleaning your bathroom.

... kidnapping your ex-girlfriend's dog and sending her pieces of chicken in

the mail with demanding threats.

... wearing a Members Only Jacket and crying to Benny Mardones.

... asking an escort when her "driver" is going to leave the room.

... telling somebody "You can't give me what I need" in a message on myspace.

... grabbing a girl's forearm and screaming "WHO ARE YOU FUCKING?!" in their face.

... selling oranges next to a freeway off ramp to raise money, so you can take your girl to Disneyland... then having her tell you she has plans.

... asking a girl if she wants to dance. Getting rejected and saying "That's

okay... I have to take a shit anyway..."

... the feeling you have for your Filipino live-in caregiver, when she gives

you a sponge bath.

... being friends with Tila Tequila on myspace, sending her love letters via messages and not getting a response.

... asking out the verizon 411 recording... because it kind of sounds like a woman. "What city and state?" "Yo, girl... you got a man?"

... getting beat up by seventeen cholo cousins because you made Juanita cry.

... talking to stuffed animals about your

feelings... then waiting for a response.

... NEW FRIEND REQUESTS! ...maybe not.

... getting coned into the sales office of 24 hour fitness and asking the

salesperson if you can rub the used towels on your face.

... "How much for the little girl? Yes... the white one."

... walking around college campuses and smelling bicycle seats.

... ninety nine thanks for shopping ninety nine cents

... the bond between a forty year old man and an eight year old Cambodian

boy.

... girl scouts in the trunk of your 77' Dodge Monaco.

... when a girl tells you "We can never have sex... you love me too much."

... sex with no kissing or eye contact.

... giving a Boston Terrier a bath and thinking about the good times.

... thinking about Liza Minelli while you're taking a dump.

... picking a really good looking girl on a date in your grandma's 81' Toyota Corona that is missing a door and covered with bird shit.

... R.C. Cola and the new issue of Home and Garden.

... Pert Plus with dandruff control.

... the fetal position.

... you and a friend buy a wig and take turns wearing it... on Tuesday you'll be the bitch.

... the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.

... being involved with someone because you can

control them.

... the feelings I have for the nation of Islam.

... seeing video footage of people jumping out of the world trade center,

rather than being burned alive.

... whacking off while watching Mama's Family...while crying.

... getting your right hand cut off in Macau for saying "Chillax."

And the finale for tonight...

Love is... the deep black fluid that fills my heart with joy for all of you!

I hate you. I was asked today what I had to hate about and I pondered this question deeply. I said, “Well, everything, after all, I’m good at it.” Don’t people all ways tell you to do what you’re good at? I’m good at some things, I do them, and one of those things is hate. So anyway, what people say. How they say it, this bothers me. Allow me to explain. I have found the language that people use today is poor in elocution, lacking in thought and subdues our collective intelligence. One thing I don’t like is vocalized pauses. A vocalized pause is when someone is trying to articulate their thoughts and they use a lot of “umms” and “ahhs” as well as the words “like” or “you know” instead of actually saying anything of substance. For example: Girl walks into my store wanting a beach cruiser, while she points to the bikes on the curb this is what comes out of her mouth: “Like, I wanted to get, you know a biiike….like umm I was wondering how much like those bikes out there on the, the you know (The curb? Me interjecting) yeah…how much were they? We’re in big trouble people. The filter between one’s brain and mouth has been damaged in our short attention span mass me me me culture of I want it right damn now. When someone talks to me this way, I will instantly discount them as a tard, and not the good kind.

People use this one too: It was a miracle! It was a miracle I made it here on time! It was a miracle I didn’t pass out from exhaustion! No. These are not miracles people. Getting to work on time or not passing out after you ran 10 feet does not constitute a miracle. A miracle is some out of this world thing that no one would ever expect, for example: Me going out on a date, or me changing my underwear more often than once a month. I guess I’d have to do the latter before I’d be in the position to do the former, so as long as my drawers are extra crispity I’ll be in the clear. Another annoying context that people use this word in is “The miracle of birth” How is that a miracle? By now it’s a well documented process: nothing good on TV that night you find someone that is only mildly disgusting, have drunken unprotected sex, that’s how you got here. Since the advent of TV our population has risen sharply. TV has gotten worse and worse, thus more people. More miracles happening everyday. Every time I’m stuck on the freeway (HAHA free?) I look at all the pissed off motorists and think “Look at all these miracles!” It’s a fucking miracle that I don’t go on a killing spree, like totally, you know? At seven billion and rising, we have to ask is no longer reasonable to call reproduction a miracle anymore. The solution is better programming.

I don’t like being called “cat” or “dog”. While I am an animal and to exhibit some of the aforementioned animals trails: like a cat, I clean myself, and like a dog, I smell. Still, I find these colloquiums to be lacking, I don’s shit in a box (cat) nor do I run around putting my nose in people’s crotches (dog) (well, not all of them). Addressing me by dude or guy, or even “hey” would be better than to be called cat or dog.

Another word that I like to use that I feel is often used in poor context is the word awesome. Awesome means to inspire awe, your mouth agape in wonder, not agape as in you’re a total fucking moron. “How was the show?” “Awesome!” wrong answer. If you have seen 1/10^th of the bands I’ve seen, you’ve seen 100’s of bands. Bands are by their very nature, not awesome. A band cannot inspire awe. This is because the concept of a band has been beaten to death. Bands suck; people in bands are more often than not a bunch of pretentious assholes. Being in a band is a fun way to waste your time that is all. Anybody who is in a band that thinks they are going to making a living playing music is living in a fantasy world more intricate and delusional than the most hardcore of Dungeons & Dragons playing geek (advanced of course). In our world of the overwhelming media blitz, very little will inspire awe anymore. Think about it, a child today by the time they reach the adult, gun carrying age of 21 will have seen 1000’s upon 1000’s of acts of violence, war, crime, drama, comedy, life, death, crashing, events of every shape and size, they will in essence become so over exposed to things that nothing will be a big deal anymore. Nothing will be awesome. A child born just 100 years ago would marvel, be awestruck by the first fight, mass produced autos, sky scrapers, world wars etc. That was a time when things were truly awesome. In the 80’s we saw a heavy usage of the word awesome and I think the use was so heavily and ill-applied that it burned it’s self out. I can remember from the years between 1984 and 1987 my mouth was permanently agape, overwhelmed by how “awesome” everything was.

And people use this word “wave” to denote different eras in things. Waves of attack in a battle, that makes some sense to me but different waves in music? Who says I want to stand around for the next wave to come crashing down on me, inflicting me with tier sonic barf? Ska is the greatest offender of this. We have traditional Ska, second wave or two tone (specials, madness etc) and the horrible third wave ala Reel Big Fish, The Hippos, etc. I think were on the seventh wave of Ska, which sounds exactly like Napalm Death. I don’t wave, just the middle finger extended, so fuck you too.

I was talking to a friend about various things and we both came to the summation that people in America have become a bunch of pussies. We were talking about marriage and how getting a divorce was no big deal. When things get rough, get out. What ever happened to working out one’s problems? We go through life with this unrealistic notion that happiness is guaranteed; it’s not. This collective psychosis has infected our country’s fiber so much that we have spawned throngs of lawyers to sue each other when we’re not happy and an army of psychologists that we can pay to listen to us bitch and whine about everything under the sun, how things aren’t fair, how we’re not happy. Boo fucking hoo. I guess there is no social pressure to stay together anymore so people don’t. There is also no pressure to sort out one’s problems. We turn to drugs to bury the symptoms of depression instead of actually combating the source. The vow people make means nothing and no one thinks anything of it by breaking it. We were trying to figure out what makes someone successful in life, and keeping promises was one of those things that are a big separator where most people don’t. Keeping your promises is very important, so is follow through. Many a great idea has died because it was not pushed to completion. Completion, follow through, another thing that very few have the capacity for, a thing that separates people that leave their mark on the world and those that just live in it. Not the best ideas make it to the table, just the finished ones. Cheese is also important in some sort of way, cheese matters as much as the other things do if not more (so sayeth the wizard). Perhaps marriage is an obsolete social construct, people can’t do what it takes to be married, then they shouldn’t. I’ve never wanted to get married; it gets in the way of not growing up. I told one buddy of mine, “You can either grow up or die alone”. He chose to grow up, I plan to die alone, or in my soapbox car, and there is only room for one in that thing, so alone nonetheless. I guess if I did ever decide to get married, it would be at Chuck-e-Cheese. I told my mom this and she said she would not attend. But on a serious note, I’d keep my vow. I’ve been accused of having some sort of Samurai like mentality, for good or bad. But I feel that keeping one’s word is important and keeping a vow or promise to someone you love is of paramount importance. No one seems to value these things anymore, people are pussies, they complain about everything. Every time I put together an event no matter how much fun people are having there is an incessant bitching and moaning about everything. No one can just take it at face value and enjoy the ride, they only can have fun if they can have it their way, well this ain’t Burger King mother fucker, stop being such a fucking pussy and just enjoy yourself. If you have such good ideas, then by all means go start your own thing. Anyone born after the second world war is just a selfish, narcissistic, self-centered baby, in general all these generations have no class. No work ethic, no values, just gimmie, gimmie, gimmie. Well I’m not giving you nothing but a hard time so get used to it. Nothing has ever been gained by constant armchair criticism. You don’t like the way things are going then by all means build a better mousetrap or shut the fuck up. Till next time, check the paper for a sale on diapers. Bitches. As a final note: To all of you people that love to point out grammatical errors in our zine. There are no errors; the zine is perfect. If you can only feel good about yourself by pointing out the flaws in other people’s efforts, go kill yourself. Beans and disease to you too! OK, good bye.