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Is North America The New Rome? iCheese! Behold I`m back from the dead. An `tis true that the Wizard of Cheese mayhap fallen on black days, Got a tribal tattoo, and met the gayest guy on Earth( He wears a dress on the 3rd Street promenade in Santa Monica). Forsooth I was slain by a party of adventurers. My cheese kingdom plundered, destroyed, and my treasure types stolen. A foolish cleric cast a raise dead spell upon myself. In return I cheesed him to death. I have smelt your history. Just as my kingdom has melted in a fondue sauce, Yours shall fall to the excess of decadence. We have been called an Imperialistic, Gluttonous, Elitist nation. Full of Hedonists, Child lovers, and Slave owners. No I do not mean Rome at It’s pinnacle. I’m talking about America The land of the free( I hear Guantanomo bay is a good vacation spot). Mr. (It`s so sick it`s...) Sarkis ofHa-La-La-John, Iraq writes us and tells us we are a vewy bad people. Let me clarify your misconception of American thinking for each of these accusations. (1)Imperialism: Don’t playa hate because your country is too poor to buy a spiffy new Abrams Assault vehicle. If you could take over other people’s pussys (O.P.P) you would. So shut up. (2)Gluttony: What’s wrong with eating good in your neighborhood? Just because I like to go to all you can stomach eateries and I’m storing up fat for the winter, you call me obese. Hey! It’s your choice to eat rice and banana peels then boycott the Q.P. with cheese. Personally if you decline the cheese you deserve to lose wars and right now I am declaring a Cheese Jihad to all you non-cheese eating, un-American Infidels. So get off my belly rolls, Join the winning side, and eat a fucking McNugget already, You’ll love it. (3)Elitist: We are not elite. We’re just the best( at everything). I bet if you took some little girl from Somalia and parachute dropped her into the Northridge Mall she’d say " God Bless America". It wouldn’t matter how many of her family members were killed by our howitzer shelling to get the "bad guy". The best things are here. Everyone else has dirt. So defect before the shopping season begins. There is nothing wrong with (4)Hedonism, Girls Gone Wild, or Lake Havasu during spring break. Next problem. (5)Child Lovers: Naughty priests need love too. Ok, seriously, an alter boy getting butt busted is the best thing that can happen to him. It should teach the youngling a valuable lesson. Don’t trust authority!!! Buy a flight jacket, Pierce your nose, and start listening to Punk rock music. Because just like in any other foreign country, our leaders all mislead us. You can’t fight the system while listening to Amy Grant, reading Veggie tales, and collecting Precious Moments. And lastly (6)Slave ownership: There is no slavery in the U.S.A anymore but this one goes out to the Minutemen. Why in the hell are you trying to "protect" our borders from the Mexican threat?? They want to live the American dream. They realize they’re country sucks that’s why they’re coming here. All Mexicans I have ever met are some of the hardest working people that exist on this planet. It’s hard work picking strawberries for 30 cents a day. They are valuable indentured servants that sleep 50 people to one room. Minutemen, KKK, Nazi punks, and any other stupid racist group I’ve left out listen up. Do you want little Johnny Whitebread to graduate Harvard and buy his W.A.S.P. girlfriend some flowers from Trader Joes or do you want him to sell me flowers from the off ramp of the freeway? If there are any AB`ers that were just released from Folsom, Can you please stop the Minutemen? They’re messing up the economy. Thank you. By the way there are NO pure Aryans in America. White people are immigrants to this Indian/Mexican land. So if anyone needs to go back home it sure ain’t any Latino descended person as it’s their land. Recognize bitches. The Roman people gave us our language and the Aqueduct. America gave the world Double Penetration porn and the Mcrib. So maybe we are just like Rome minus the Vomitorium (and I say we need a Vomitorium) but the truth is that every other country hates America yet all of their people want to live here. And with lunch buffets at Spearmint Rhino`s strip club I truly understand why.....P.S. can Good Charlotte please explode in a plane crash already? Their 15 minutes have been used up.

The Commuter Beater Bicycle

Are you a bicycle commuter? Do you go to and fro work every day on the bicycle? Do you want to not spend a pile of money on gas every week? If you answered “yes” to any or all of these questions then YOU need a commuter beater bicycle. What is a commuter beater? Well, it’s a bicycle that you take to work every day, mount it on the bicycle rack on the front of the bus, ride the bus to work, and then go back home the same way. The commuter beater bicycle is a lightweight, cheap, and ugly bicycle that barely works, and gets you to work even when the damn car won't start. A commuter beater is a bicycle that is custom assembled for commuting. There are several points to address in building a commuter beater. First it has to be able to stand up to the mean streets of Los Angeles. Second, it has to be ugly enough that no thief will want to take it. Third, it has to be built with components that allow it to be mounted on the front of an MTA bus. Finally, it has to be somewhat comfortable as you will be spending more time with the commuter beater than you think. There are actually many good points about taking the bus to work. You don't have to worry about thieves breaking into your car while you're at work. You can pat yourself on the back about carbon emissions and all that environmental junk, it saves you money, and lastly, it just plain feels good. So let's build a commuter beater. First we need a cheap frame that's the right size for you. If its all scratched up, you're all set. If it looks decent, give it a sloppy paint job. Replacing a beater should never cost you much because it will disappear occasionally. Though I try to keep an eye on my commuter beater when its on the bus, its not always possible as MTA buses are often overcrowded and the beater can go for a long time my ever seeing it, or somebody else taking it off the rack. Its an LA reality that there is a thief under every rock and pebble in Los Angeles. Now you have to build it up. Standard size 26” wheels are a great place to start. They fit well into the bicycle racks on the front of the bus. Next you have to fit it with tires that are less than 2.00 inches width. Those aggressive mountain tires bigger than 2.00 often won't fit into the bicycle rack on the bus. So save yourself the trouble and get medium size tires right from the start. Next we have to select the gear ratios. This is largely a personal matter and whatever is comfortable with you is OK. I've found that 18 speeds and the front sprockets having 28, 38 and 48 teeth works just fine for me. The point is to have a good ratio for starting off from a dead stop as that's what you will be doing often on the streets of LA. Now we have to select pedals. Aggressive pedals with points on them are asking for trouble. Get the short pedals without teeth or that have a rounded outside of the pedal. Pedals often tangle up in the spokes of other bicycles on the bus. So using pedals that have a rounded end will have less tendency to hook onto any other bicycle on the bus rack. Its also easier for you to put your bike onto or to take it off of the bicycle rack. You don't want to spend a lot of time taking the thing on or off the bus, especially if its raining. The seat. It should be comfortable. But never stick an expensive seat on a commuter beater though. You don't want to attract thieves to it. Furthermore there's a whole bunch of morons out there who will poke their brake levers right into your nice saddle. Get something cheap and comfortable, then take a piece of steel wool to the logo. Make it look ugly. Finally there's the handle bars. Use the straight bars only. They are easier to mingle with other bikes mounted close by. The drop bars tend to tangle with other bicycles and those damn brake levers on drop bars are just peachy for piercing the other guy's saddle. Those big ol' cruiser bars are no fun either, they always tangle up in other cruiser bars. Keep the brake levers as short as you can and try to find levers that have only small knobs on the ends. These are also quite good at tangling with other bikes on the bus rack. So now you have the ugliest bike in town. Its time to mount up; ride to the bus stop; take the bus all the way to the end of the route and ride the bike back. If the bike holds up to all this, you're ready to become a bicycle commuter.

The Geek.

Hey y’all, this one’s called: April Fools’ Fool. Is it just me, or are people getting dumber? As a Substitute Teacher for the past 9 years (“Thanks again,” Paul), I can tell you that- they are. I just recently watched the movie Idocracy again. For those of you that are not familiar with this movie, it is the movie Mike Judge made after Office Space. The premise of the movie is that in the future, the world will be inhabited solely by morons. The reason for this, all of the smart people stopped reproducing, and the swarms of uneducated and poor are the only ones doing so. Thus, being that they are uneducated, they have overpopulated the Earth and cannot deal with the most basic of societal needs, i.e. trash disposal. The movie goes on to state that Darwin’s Survival of the Fittest Philosophy starts to favor those that breed the most, adapting to the lack of mental prowess in the species by rewarding our continuance only based on our fertility. I see proof of this every day. Christ, just look at our President. But being that I teach for a living, I see it up close and personally…almost every single day. Being that I am a first generation American on my mother’s side, I understand the difficulties associated with assimilating into another culture. I say that I understand it, but I haven’t experienced it, being that I was born and raised in Los Angeles. My mother, being a Jew born in Berlin and coming to America speaking no English as a little girl knows it far better than I ever could. Also, being refugees of the Holocaust, my Grandparents knew it very well. My grandparents’ love for this country was made very apparent throughout my life. The fact that they could live in a country where anyone could achieve, where fat people begged from you, and where an education was not only free, but guaranteed was incomprehensible to them especially to my grandma who has about a 3rd grade education and would have loved to have had an education back in Poland, if such opportunity existed. Well people, I can tell you that the kids I teach don’t have any desire to learn. I don’t blame the kids, however, I blame the parents. If your dog gets out and bites me, I will kill your dog, but I won’t blame the dog. I will ring your doorbell and proceed to beat you with your rigor mortised laden dog carcass. You see, whether it be a dog or a child, the ultimate responsibility lies with the owner/parent. You had the kid, but it is no longer cute anymore or fun, so you send the kid to school to take advantage of a babysitting service for 7 hours a day. That’s a normal day. At my school, we have a before school and an after school program where kids who attend both are in school for up to 12 hours a day! Thus, allowing the “parents” time to make more children or do whatever or whomever (yes, that was redundant) they want to with their time. With all of these services provided to kids, you think that the “parents” would be appreciative. They’re not. They don’t give a shit about these children. I have parents who have never checked their children’s homework folder. These same parents then complain when their friends tell them how their children received something, while their child did not. Examine your child’s homework folder! Your supposed to be checking their homework anyways, and you don’t. And then you get angry when your little bastard wasn’t given a coupon for a free personal pizza from Shakey’s or some shit. Fuck you! Teachers are held to ridiculous standards. With no reinforcement at home about the value of an education (school- that has no value, after all, it’s free right?), and this attitude being carried into the classroom by the children, why would anybody want to do this job? Excluding a masochist, what other person would do this. Well being a 9-year veteran (1st level Fighter), I’ll tell you what kind of person, an alcoholic. On that note, I’ll crack open a Fat Tire- ahh. Test scores are low: teacher’s fault; Johnny (or in my case, Juanny) can’t read: teacher’s fault; the kids can’t add (hopefully they can’t “multiply” either): teacher’s fault. Bullshit! I am not your kid(s)’ father. I don’t have kids, and I don’t want them. I have had it with the stupidity that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I don’t hate my self enough to perpetuate. I don’t want to doom my offspring to the bleak future you idiots are creating. I am trying to triage your little “mistakes.” The kids who want to learn, will, and they will get my attention. The one’s that don’t, need to shut the fuck up and not disrupt the one’s who do. I have been in classes, and am currently in one, where I have 10% of the class that actually cares. I have 90 % of my class exhibiting sociopathic behavior. I have parents coming to parent conferences, (the ones’ who show up), giving me attitude. Trying to get “gangster” on me. Fuck you you lowlifes! I’m not afraid of you. I’m the only alpha in this room. I am supposed to call a woman with a Spider tattoo above her tit madam- bullshit! I hold back enough. I wanted to tell that bitch that her kid would’ve turned out better had she miscarried, or at least let the wild raise him. Picture that kid from the Road Warrior. Hey, at least that kid could hunt. Your kid can’t do a fuckin’ thing. I have kids whose parents are in prison, dead, or nowhere to be found. With “parents” like these is it any wonder that these kids have no fucking chance. I have kids in my class that watch Family Guy, horror movies, and things like The Passion of the Christ. “That’s great parenting.” I have 2nd graders “dating” 3rd graders. That may sound innocent, but what the fuck! When I was in 2nd grade, girls were still icky. That’s normal it’s called latency. This is the period during childhood where sexuality is not apparent: otherwise known as innocence. Where then is this behavior learned? If a child exhibits something it’s because it has been learned and imitated. There is nothing innocent about it. Here is an example. A friend of mine went to a baby shower the other week for a 16 year old girl. How “cute” is that? The “father” is also 16 or 17 years old (statutory rape anyone), and I couldn’t believe it. When I told him that this girl should not be rewarded with a baby shower, but that she should be castigated. He replied, “ Well the baby’s here, what can you do?” I told him that when the other young girls see that this girl had a big party and received gifts all for getting pregnant, they’d want to do the same. That girl’s life (or her mother’s, if she decides to push the burden onto her) is over, and so is the guy’s if he sticks around which is unlikely. These are serious problems. Problems that educated people face far less often than uneducated people do. In a country like ours, where public education is free and guaranteed, people have no excuse. Blaming the teachers or society is a copout and it’s also bullshit! You have to desire success! You have to want better for your kids than what you had. You have to instill values into your children. I am not teaching your child my values. My values are different than yours. I don’t believe that a 30-year-old Jewish virgin is G-d. Most of the people at my work do, and that’s fine (hey, even Rerun worshiped Ralph the head of cabbage for one episode of What’s Happening when he joined that cult). Believe what you want. That’s free and guaranteed in this country too, but don’t assume everyone’s beliefs are the same as yours. I’m not Catholic or Christian, so my beliefs are inherently different than yours. As a Jew, I have been trained that an education is the most valuable thing you can have, because no one can take it away from you. I am the grandson of a shoemaker, but it was his ideal that his descendants (great band) would do better than he did. At my school, the ideal that these kids’ parents are infusing into them is that you are never going to be any better off than us. You are never going to leave Pacoima. You will never rise above (Black Flag) your situation. It’s fucking depressing. Now there are sparks of light and exceptions to the rule. Those exceptions to the rule are whom I’m spending my time on, and sadly, there are far too few of them. Generally, the exception proves the rule. So do your duty “parents,” teach your children to value what people in other countries would die, and in some cases have died to have: an education. I’m serious! The future looks so bleak. The following classes will no longer exist in the future due to their intelligence score requirements: Cavalier (Minimum Intelligence: 10); Paladin (Minimum Intelligence: 10); Ranger (Minimum Intelligence: 13); Magic-User (Minimum Intelligence: 9); Illusionist (Minimum Intelligence: 15); Assassin (Minimum Intelligence: 11). See you not in the advanced, nor expert, nor even basic set, but in the far below basic set. I call it Lowlander, The Dumbening: “There Can Be Only Dumb!”- B

Hello, good day, bienvenidos, namaste, and blah,blah, blah. Lets get right to it. Fellow droogies and countrymen, I Shotgun mike am just your regular type of drunk asshole. Nothing special. I’m not out to bother people, not out to have anyone convert to my way of thinking or to even talk to most of you on a night out. I DO expect some reasonable treatment when I go to places to slam my hard earned money on the table for a drink. REDEYE !!! Yes, I expect it. When I go to my favorite watering hole to get uber-loaded (sorry, no umlauts), I don’t mind paying 4 bucks (cheap) for my Jim Beam and RC cola. I don’t mind giving a dollar tip for each drink received. And lastly, I don’t mind having to step up to throw some drunken jerkoff out of the bar and whipping his ass in the rear lot of the establishment---because I will, and I have. Now for some foreshadowing…come along…wheeeeeee…NOW, I (to many of you know, and to much more of you don’t care), Shotgun Mike, was a bouncer for many, many years. And in that time a realized a few little things that kept my ass out of the emergency room , and for that matter, the unemployment line. I was never a “rash under the armpits” bouncer. I never cared to use intimidation, I didn’t need to. I am a large man, and can beat most men with my breath alone (thunderdome). But I digress….ya see, a bouncer/ employee of any bar should be a part of the furniture—meaning simply, low key—now we’re not talking slimentologist Tom Cruise ala, “Cocktails”, but the regular neighborhood bar. I was there to check ID’s and oversee that everyone had a good time. I was not there to feed a Hegelian thirst of power, No, I was there to do a job,,,ya see, because a bar/ club will generally run itself. I didn’t need to fuck with people, because I didn’t like their clothes, hair, style of music they listened to, or anything else….The only time that I would approach people, is if they were being violent, or if someone in the bar was complaining,That’s it….I mean, shit, it’s a bar! What do you think happens at a bar? I have seen many employees/ bouncers “fall by the wayside”, because they did notunderstand those simple rules. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, the story you are about to hear is true, Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent (dragnet) dun, dun, dunt dunt. As you may have heard, I was recently released from my contract of patronage @ Caseys tavern, Yes, I was kicked out, 86’d, given the bums rush. Now, although the intelligence of the readership of this zine is always in question, I will chronicle the events that lead up to my, for lack of a better term “kicked-out-ness”. (how you like that one for a run-on sentence). I was having a great old time watching the Jelly-Roll Jazz players (not ready for primetime) and having a smashing time. Was hanging with m’lady and fellow musician Lord Scumbag (esq.), fending off what looked outside to be the storm of the century. ‡ Aye, droogies, chellvecks an lewdies o’ the truth, Me horrorshow an me bolshy nochies was going to shav an oozhassny crack toward the baddiwah. For TRANSLATION goto (http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Academy/1974/nadsat.html)‡AHEM..…SO,I’m sitting there listening to Edie (E.D.) belt out the final hoorahs of “Bye-Bye baby” (1965, Four Seasons…all rights reserved)…ANYWAYS,,,,,I’m warbling (singing) the end verse and standing on the foot rest of my chair, doing the traditional “bye-bye” hand wave as the song ends and doing a bit of the blurp, blurp, blurping. (I couldn’t resist throwing a few more NADSAT words in). The band starts packing up and I continue to finish my drink. Now Big Lar (BIG LAR!!), was unfortunately off that night and we had “WAL”(not his real name)(Winner At Life)…, AND a guy who used to be fat, then got thin, then got fat, then got thin, then got fat , then got thin…and I’m not talking a couple lbs. I’m talking a range between “normal” and “grossly obese”…(all this within a 1-2 month time frame)…FUCKING BIZARE….anyhow….his current online status is …FAT….For all intensive purposes of this article, I will call him “CHILI”‡ So…….I’m sitting there and I see a pink umbrella hanging on the hat rack and decide to do my best “bo-peep” impression…By this time most of the patrons had left so we , were by ourselves finishing up. SO, I pop the umbrella open. WELL, I might as well have dropped my pants and done “the monkey” on the tabletop, because these two “bartenders” FREAKED OUT, literally falling over each other to scream at me, “Put that fucking thing away”, I think it was the Chili, but I’m not sure. Not knowing what to do I turned away from them, to shield myself from their unwanted passes,,,,AHEM,,,and waited for the waitress to come up to me and say, “Steve wants to talk to you”. I walk over to the end of the bar and shrug and say, “What?” Chili says loudly, “you know what!”, I’m thinking , NO,….. what??---SO here’s the part that pissed me off the most, He says , “You were spinning that umbrella, and nearly took a girls eye out”,,,,SO I’m thinking WHAT? I tell him he’s lying and there was nobody even around me, and He says, “I saw !!” NOW usually when someone lies to my face, I want to smash theirs in, but I’ve known both of these guys for quite some time, so I’m thinking,WHATEVER dude.-----Then he starts bringing up all this old B.S. about me standing on my chair, being loud, cursing etc,…SO I TRY TO RATIONALIZE….Guys, you both know me, you know I’m just having fun, I’m not hurting anyone, I tip you both well, and ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS…..I’ve thrown people out of the dive that were being assholes!!!! Yes, risking criminal and civil liabilities for my favorite place!!!! SO NOW, Steve says, “So if you do anything more, were gonna kick you out” WTF !!! ??? =Ë I REALLY COULDN’T BELIEVE THAT ONE…Then I look at Chili , and say, “DID I kick you out of the Pub when I caught you doing cocaine in the men’s bathroom? DID I !!….NO!!! Pat would have 86’d his ass so quick, he would have been banned for life…..BUT DID I NARC OUT…..NO!!----‡ SO , I’m standing there and say in the heat of anger and disgust, “If I’m not allowed in here, neither are you bitches !!”, SO Fatboy NotSlim says, “Oh, you’re threatening me?” I said NOTHING….I LEARNED A LONG TIME AGO….never convey any sort of a threat in public / written / or over the telephone…..its just plain stupid, and of course, can be used against you in a court of law….I said, ”what goes around comes around motherfucker”. PERIOD. SO Chili limp dick goes and narcs me out to Mrs, Casey and tells all the other bartenders not to let me in cuz I’m a fucking dick, drunkard, menace to society, etc. Weak ass shit. UPDATE…After a one month sentence I was allowed back in…with no probation. So there goes it. ==========I have other long, boring stories to tell, but I’ll give you the CLIFFS NOTES version. STORY 1…DVML plays show at cobalt. Throw out goat head to crowd. ShotgunMike pours blood on himself. Smashes television set. Everything goes into the trash- big blue bin in back. Cavarettas (next door) opens next morning. Employee throws trash away, sees blood and some sort or head. Calls police. Police set up crime scene and tape off area. Later, AtomBomb tells ‘em that it’s only a goat head. Cost of ticket to show $8 , Goat head $15 dollars, Look on homicide detectives face when he finds out it’s only a goat head….PRICELESS. STORY 2 (cliffs notes)….DVML plays show in Pacoima.Borrows Positive Approach’s P.A. system. Plays 10 songs. During a song, fight breaks out, and gunshots are fired. Party is over when cops show up. Worst part of story…shots ring out during song. Best part of story….DVML continued to play during the gun shots…HAHA. WELL droogies, that’s it for this session. Til’ next time, a toast to my readers,…. “To your wives and your girlfiends, ….. may they never meet” ,,,,Solidarity Shotgun mike

“Drugs make me cool.” Remember that? All the anti-drug commercials in the 80’s? Reganomics, Ketchup is a vegetable, the war on drugs, the bottle of Scotch in the bar…As a young impressionable youth I would watch these aforementioned blurbs between Saturday morning cartoons and scarfing down cookies with terror. I did not listen to Public Enemy, I believed the hype: drugs are bad. As I went on in life I was exposed to drinking, tried it twice at 15 and never again. Really, booze tastes terrible and how could it replace my gaming rocket fuel Mountain Dew? Really! I remember going to a party with my friends and they took me aside and told me to act normal. It was too late, I am a geek, a mutant, I don’t fit in, so what. I realized that drugs and alcohol weren’t for me. My disinterest in drug sub-culture eventually turned into distain as I saw how my friends acted and how many nights I spent wrestling them in the parking lot for their car keys, or taking them to the hospital. Being cool has its price it seems just as not being cool levies it’s cost upon you. I got to a point where I had seen enough to know that I was not interested; I really don’t understand the allure. One friend of mine told me that I was not missing anything by being sober, no shit. Drug stories are boring as hell and there are only two basic stories. Drug Story #1 You were high on whatever, sat in the corner for a ½ hour but thought it was 6 hours. Drug Story #2 You were high on whatever, sat in the corner for 6 hours but thought it was a ½ hour. Insert one or more of the following choose your own ending: …”went to jail.” , …then I woke up in my own vomit.”…, “didn’t know where I was.”…, woke up in hospital.”.. And that’s all folks. In a few sentences, I’ve told every drug story ever told. It’s that easy because it’s a boring pastime for boring people. If you need to alter your perspective all the time perhaps you need to start fresh, a new perspective and then life won’t be so boring. If you’ve picked up any issue of this Zine in the past, you’ll see we don’t have time for boredom, we’re too busy having fun to fuck things up with drugs (Except the B, he says he doesn’t use drugs, they use him, they owe him money.). Now I’m not trying to be preachy or tell you what to do, the only thing I’d like you to do is kill yourself, you know, for the environment. Many of my friends have followed the “Punk-Rock, kill yourself!” credo and failed to die. Live fast and die young, now they failed the dying part so they lived fast and now hobble at a pained gait. Now they are having problems, doorways are a challenge (ask the B), stuff don’t work to good no more. That’s the life though. That is their choice, I will be there to pick them up or drive them to the hospital time and time again, that is my choice as a friend, I feel obligated to assist even if it facilitates the behavior. Ultimately we are the sum of our choices. What ever you do in life, good or bad, you have to carry it with you forever. Now back to the drugs. Let’s start with the big killer: Booze. My parents drink, my sibling drinks, my friends drink, it’s very common. Alcohol is a potion of heroism (AD&D Dudgeon Masters Guide pp 126 ) it lets the real you come out, it lowers your inhibitions, your self control, the internal checks you have become gummed up in the works. You do and say things that you want to do and say but won’t when you’re sober. It also acts as a potion of delusion (AD&D Dudgeon Masters Guide pp 125) making you think you’re more suave, funny, daring, tough than you really are. Booze gives one the illusion of enhanced control, enhanced thought; I can see why most people like it. No one gets really stoned or hopped up on coffee and gets in their car and then runs over a bunch of people. You think you’re in control but you’re not. As a sober person that has been dragged to many bars my eyes see clearly how you drunk fucks slur and slop, spill your drinks and try your wack-ass game like trying to play Monopoly with only ½ the pieces, at best you’ll get Sorry! or Trouble!, most likely end the night in a game of solitaire. You’re drunk enough to hit on the fat girl in the corner not because if your friends never found out you have no problem with it, but because the booze will act as a good excuse for your chubby-chasing. “I don’t remember, I was drunk.” Is the classic by-line for drunken escapades. If it were only true…but we know you remember, and I’ll be there to refresh your memory incase you “forgot”. Now, when you do something when you’re drunk, it’s not a “Get out of being an asshole free” card. If you drive drunk and kill someone, you’re still a murderer. You are the sum of your actions; being drunk is no excuse for poor behavior.

Weed or pot…Now most people are lazy good for nothings, let take a drug that amplifies that by a 1000 times. Couch manufactures all over are singing the praises of marijuana. I know so many people that smoke weed, and that is all they do. Being a stoner becomes a life style, it’s so boring. You see, you think you’re being a rebel but you’re not. Your parents sat in front of the TV your whole childhood and watched the news or sports or whatever and you thought you’d be different. Sitting in front of a Play Station or watching CNN is no different at its core. You have become a couch potato, just like your parents. If you think about it now, looking back, would you do it all again? Most likely, you’re too lazy to try it any other way. The whole legalization thing is perfect because it ensures that people will stay home and be ineffectual members of society; you’ve been hoodwinked by the man, man. What a bummer, like dude, totally. Bob Marley sheds a little dread-locked tear…fuck that hippy, I’m glad he’s dead.

Meth, Speed, Crank, WTF? This drug is semi-useful because it’s users clean things and dismantle things so they can be recycled. At some point they began to steal your stuff so they can sell it for more drugs or clean it, whatever the case is, I can’t see how anyone would think they would escape this drugs clutches once you delve into it. No one gets away from speed in one piece, no one. This is the Ford Pinto of drugs; there’s nothing glamorous or cool about it like how people attach those misnomers to Heroin and Cocaine. Get your pockmarked face out of here you fucking speed freak asshole. Ridiculous. The thing I find strange about this drug is its popularity in sparsely populated areas. There is nothing to do in these places, nothing. So you take a drug that keeps you up for days at a time so you can experience all that nothingness for days at a time! Will someone explain this to me please? Maybe you can get a job at Traders Joes. Never mind, you’re just trying to get to my stuff.

Cocaine is a party drug, a fun drug, yeah! I’m on coke bitches! The problem is there is never enough coke, never. I guess if you’re really bored you can do coke and then hide and re-hide the rest of your dope as the paranoia sets in. Then you can do more coke and then find better places to hide the rest over and over again. And all this and you’ve never left your apartment, how did I miss the boat on this one? I like having both nostrils, no thanks.

Ecstasy. X. I have no problem with this drug because it’s lethal and in a way was responsible of the Techno Scene dying out by killing off its practitioners. Thank-You X.

Heroin…If you’re into yawning and robbing banks…this drugs for you. For some reason people romanticize this drug and it’s ghouls that pay homage to it. There’s something cool about being a junkie that makes people use the needle, what that is I don’t know. I wonder how many people decided to try heroin after they saw the movie Train Spotting. This drug eats all your possessions, and then your friends, and family and finally, you. If you could only reverse the order of destruction then I’d be ok with it. If you want to use junk and die, please go die. It’s the detritus of the habit that irks me. I have friends that will always be wounded because they lost someone they loved that was a junkie. I could care less if a junkie dies, it’s simply paying the piper, but the collateral damage that these junkies leave in their wake makes me hate them. China shoots junkies, we should do the same.

Acid…it’s for hippies. Without acid, bands like the Grateful Dead would have never had a career; anyone sober would hear how bad their music is. If I want to see a bunch of colors I’ll buy a 64 pack of Crayola’s. I don’t want to alter my perspective, it’s fine. Everyone sucks and I hate each and every last one of you. That is perfection of perspective, why change it if it has worked so well for me all these years?

Now all these above drugs are street drugs, which I’ve been informed are so tame compared to the pharmaceuticals that one can get from a doctor. I don’t even know the names of them all but medical technology makes drugs so potent that doing a line of coke is akin to eating a Flintstone’s Chewable by comparison. Is life so bad we have to drown it in a sea of chemical derisions? I guess for most people that is the case. Now, just because you’re sober doesn’t put you on a higher moral plateau. The Straight Edge scene is a prime example of how being drug-free as an ideology can be totally lame. I knew a lot of SXE’rs in my time, seen most of the rad bands from that era etc. These people are just as petty, lame, selfish, vindictive, myopic, and tiny minded as most of humanity. They can be worse because they think that being sober makes them superior to others that choose to party. I never “X’d” up at a show, my choice is for me and me only. Now I see these tards at the local pub knocking back beers with three XXX’s tattooed on their arms, I love a failure. It was such a big deal to these fucks if someone lost their edge, if they drank after claiming straight edge. Who cares? I never made a big deal out of it and thus it’s never been a problem. So do what you like (Digital Underground in the house), just do it right. Coffee doesn’t’ count. I need that shit man! P. de Valera

Greetings again fellow flatulent fornicators of fabulous food, ‘tis I The Ghetto Gourmet with another bargain bowel blocking bounty of buffet in the barrio. This time around, we have a delicacy from the Far East at a far below basic (L.A.U.S.D. terminology) price. For $2.00+tax for two, you can indulge at my favorite Indian (dots not feathers) restaurant: 7-11. The Big Bite Hot Dog may not seem like it would be all that filling, but I will now impart the secret knowledge that only I The Ghetto Gourmet am privy to. Let’s see here. Where did I leave my Ghettonomicon? Oh yes, here it is. Now let me turn to page 7-11. Included in your Big Bite purchase price is the unlimited use of the 7-11 condiment bar. This means that you can put as much chili and cheese and other veggie stuff as you want on your hotdog. My advice, don’t over load on the veggies, because that’s room you could use for more chili and cheese. Although, you do need some mustard and onions in there for flavor. What’s awesome about this hot dog is that they give you a box with your hot dog, so you can fill the entire box with chili and cheese. I suggest you do so, and if you have done it right, you will not be able to see the hotdog at all. Also, you’ll need a knife and fork to actually consume this atrocity of goodness. Don’t be fooled into spending more on the larger sized hotdogs of the Big Bite line. They cost more, and they leave you less room for the free goodness: the chili and the cheese. Now let’s discuss the quality of the food. It’s Sarkis! (You’re not good enough to know. So don’t ask). What the fuck do you want for $2.00+tax for 2? The chili has a Crest toothpaste consistency, and the cheese is nacho cheese, not my cheese, nor is it anybody’s cheese (except the wizard, of course). Even though it looks disgusting, it actually tastes pretty good, and it will fill you up if you follow my preparation (H) instructions. Be wary though, after you eat this monstrosity, you will be deadly. You will become explosive. A veritable Hinduberg: “Oh the Humanity!” If you have the means, I suggest you add a bag of my favorite chips: Lay’s Kettle Cooked Extra Crunchy Jalapeno $0.99 + tax, and a beer $1.89 + tax and the dreaded C.R.V. This will give you a very filling meal, and you’ll still come in under $5.00. So go forth and Sikh out the nearest 7-11, and if you don’t like it you can have a Big Bite of B’s nuts.